I don’t really like TV at all. Apart from the odd amazing documentary, Derren Brown show or movie, I usually find it rather depressing, trashy, celebrity-worshipping and painfully unevolved. However, I don’t mean to sound like an arse and I do appreciate the ‘comfort quality’ of TV and its amazing time-killing powers when one hasn’t got the mental or physical strength to get through the day in a more creative and constructive way. In this spirit, I present The Ultimate Consumer Guide to Crap (British) TV or How to Numb Your Brain and Kill the Day when you are in Isolation, on Continual Drips, Can’t Speak and Want To Get ONE DAY Closer To Engraftment.
| Time | Channel | Program | Survival Tips |
| 7:30 | Channel 4 | Friends | Pretend you’ve never seen that episode |
| 8:00 | ITV1 | GMTV | Hard drugs |
| 8:55 | Channel 4 | Will & Grace | Think how recently homosexuality was taboo on TV. Still basically “oo-er missus” humour |
| 9:25 | Channel 4 | Nikki | Imagine how on earth a WHOLE TEAM of writers managed this. Or… |
| 9:25 | Five | The Wright Stuff | Marvel how people will ring in with absolutely nothing to say. Be grateful that we live in a country where things are up for discussion |
| 10:00 | Five | House Doctor | Promise yourself that your house will be beautiful (again) |
| 10:30 | Five | Trisha | You are on your own here. Absolutely vile. |
| 11:00 | BBC1 | Weighing In | A kids “fat camp”. Hope you get weepy. |
| 11:45 | BBC1 | Mind Your Own Business | Marvel at the power of presentation on our spending instinct. |
| 12:15 | BBC1 | Bargain Hunt | The lowest prize-giving show ever! Think of more crap puns for the items. |
| 1:00 | BBC1 | BBC News | Remember that unreported good things are also happening every day |
| 2:00 | Five | Day-time old movie | See how films can actually be made without 20 minutes of car-chase and explosion at the end e.g. a script. Or.. |
| 2:35 | BBC1 | Murder She Wrote | Marvel at the leniancy of the police in letting a writer investigate a case AND how the harrassed culprit folds and sings like a canary in the final confrontation. |
| 3:15 | Channel 4 | Countdown | Play the game. Count very slowly to 10 when Richard Whitely uses a weak pun. Live in eternal hope that a REALLY rude word crops up. |
| 3:30 | BBC 2 | Flog It! | See Bargain Hunt. |
| 4:00 | Channel 4 | Room for Improvement | See House Doctor |
| 4:30 | BBC 2 | Ready, Steady, Cook | Vow that you will learn to cook, watch how closely Ainsley hugs from behind |
| 5:00 | BBC1 | The Really Wild Show | Awww, tiger cubs. |
| 5:30 | Five | Five News | See 1pm |
| 6:00 | Channel 4 | Simpsons | Enjoy. |
| 6:30 | BBC2 | Ask the Family | Nice functional families |
| 7:00 and on | Any | Any | Freestyle it. Remember it is possible to watch several programs at once |
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